Jobby The Turd
Hullo everyone. My names Jobby and I’m a turd!
I’m not just any old turd - I’m a real steak and kidney - a Saturday night special
4 pints and a large Donner - all paid for.
Might be a few pork scratchings in there too - who knows.
Much better than those vegetarian turds - weedy watery little shits.
A good British turd. A genuine God Save King - Richard the Third piece of shit
A floater - a bloater - a stick in your throater!
I expect you’re wondering what I’m doing here?
Well its all down to a nice little scheme the Government cooked up with the sewage companies.
It was getting a bit busy down the sewage works
Like trying to fit 2 pints in a milk bottle
So …. And this is the clever bit ………. they thought
I know lets let them out early.
Its a bit like probation - If I promise not to pollute anything I get early release.
Genius idea - loads of us signed up for it - and the sewage company were good as their word
Opened the gate and lets us all out straight away - and people criticise them for not being efficient! - Moaners!
Anyway off we all went. What an adventure.
“How’s it working out ?” I hear you ask
Ive got to say pretty good - Ive actually lost a bit of weight
I think its all that wild swimming Ive been doing up and down the local rivers!
Well you’ve got to stay active. Some of my mates, they just wanted to stick around in the reeds at the side of the river
Lazy bastards - “Winnit Waterway” they call it now
I had more ambition than that. I like to spread myself about a little more. See a little bit of the world.
Well you’ve got to ain’t you ? Before the water gets too murky - know what I mean?
Yeah so I thought I’d have a nice little run down to the coast
Lovely it was bobbing about with all the other turds in the shallows. Lying on the sand
Some of the boys got really carried away made it all the way over to France.
That didn’t last long - the Frenchies didn’t like it one little bit.
Cleared them off straight way.
Apparently they don’t want English turds on French beaches.
Prejudice that what it is
I Blame the EU - Bloody Bruxelles and their red tape
Still there’s no need to go abroad really. Not when there’s so much of the English countryside and coast to explore at home.
It’s not just us turds either - have you met my mates Tammy and Johnny?
We all hang out together its really great.
Of course there’s some who don’t like us.
Say its not natural - I ask you what’s more natural than good old fashioned shit ? -We’re not just natural we’re organic!
So what do you think about that Mr Surfers Against Sewage?
Poncing around on your bits of wood - Moaning that it’s not nice to share the water with so many turds. - There’s room for everyone.
You’ve got your rubber suit on. - Just keep your mouth closed mate.
Anyway - time I was getting on. There’s rain forecast and so they will be opening the gate again. There’ll be some new faces in town. Or is that - “Faeces”. - see what I did there ? And people call us dumb shits?
I hope after our little chat Ive convinced you to be a little bit more tolerant
To loosen up a little bit - stop all that silly protesting and talk of environmental clean up
Instead think about what we can achieve together
One country united - We want to reach out to every part of the community
Anyone can see that a turd in the hand is better than one in the mush!
So lets just try to get along
Its about time we started being a bit prouder of our heritage.
And don’t forget. Its shit like me that made Britain what it is today!!
